We have all probably had our noses swabbed for COVID tests multiple times in the last few years. Some have also had their cheeks swabbed for paternity tests or other DNA analysis. We all know how sensitive and sophisticated these tests are and how much information they can get from a bit of snot. Some of us have also had dentists stick those tiny camera/light thingies in our mouths and produce pictures that we really would rather not see. These technologies are truly impressive, but can they be used for more important things? Instead of worthless tidbits like “I’ve got COVID” or “I’m not your father” can these tests be used to tell us something about important subjects like beer? Now the answer is YES! The combination of a scan of the taste buds on your tongue and a genetic analysis can tell you a lot about your beer tastes and help you select the perfect beer for your mouth. You can get a list of hops that will taste like cat pee to you, you can get your diacetyl tasting threshold, your tolerance for roasted malts and what to answer when the waiter in the Thai restaurant asks you what heat level you want. Then, the next time someone asks you why you don’t like Muddy Tomcat IPA or Devil’s Ashtray Jalapeno Stout you will have a detailed scientific answer for them that will put them to sleep so soundly you can finish their beer. You can also tell them that you have COVID and that you are not their father. Just be sure to finish with “Happy April Fool’s Day”.